Hello lj-ers! Work has succumbed slightly, thus I return.

In the last 3 days

-my baby got sick
-I got sick
-Car died
-Laptop died

All this leading up to having to submit a shitload of work today

And in the morning my mom steals my car away (which led to it breaking down). Was in a superbad mood, good thing the Elf was there to calm me down. She's been really supportive whenever I break down from all the stress and pressure. Work is a motherfucker sometimes. Who knew that coming up with ideas for a living would be this hard.

When you first get into it you think to yourself how awesome it is to get paid shitloads of money coming up with stupid ideas. Now I know why the turnover rate in the ad industry is so high -_-


I wanna be a kid again and go play basketball, then hang out at the mamak and go play computer games.

Hope I get better before Langkawi =(

I feel like crap now. I had this whole essay in my mind ready to regurgitate but it's not happening. Feels a bit more like sputtering now. This is either due to the fact that i've been writing so much recently that my brand new pen has run out of ink, or the illness that makes me feel like i've got marshmallows glued to my face. I'll write more later la.

All i've been doing is drive/walk/drive/walk/drive/walk/drive/walk/drive/walk.

Insert intermittent bouts of waiting in between above schedule and you get what my general day has been like for the past 4-5 days.

Today was the first time in ages I actually slept till I couldn't sleep anymore, and even then I realised my body won't let me get anything more than 6 hours of sleep or so.

I really feel like I wanna say more but I feel really drained. I'm trying to express something but I can't be bothered searching for the right euphamisms or making it even half interesting. I quite abhor the blatant, in my writing as well.

Gonna rest for a bit.

Randomly villainous, without much reason at all.

It's quite distressing.

looks like i'm still pretty bad at reading the mixed signals.

on top of being rather forgetful this seems to haunt me a lot.

i feel really lost sometimes because i want to do something and i don't because i'm reading things the wrong way. I'm not even sure if this is making sense.

It feels like I should be the guy that does the right thing regardless of what's being told to you, despite querying several times in a row over and over. But I guess part of being a man makes me extremely logical as well. I sort of don't want to go against what people are saying to me because you just assume they have their own reasons for saying it at the time.

The problem is, I still randomly dig myself a ditch even though I listen to what's being said to me.

Being a man is hard.

No matter what I did in the past, or rather what I didn't do. It's ironic how things like these pile up and you don't even notice until it gets unbearable.

I can't prove my hate or love.

I guess that makes me hollow?

The girlfriend, sick and weary, but still burdened with work is falling asleep. I didn't want to leave her alone in bed because she looks so ill but sleep is a good cure for these sort of things. I'll join her in a bit anyways.

It's odd that i'm posting here more often than I am on my older blog. This was always meant to be something i'd do for fun, but I guess certain things have fallen into place making this the junction where I lay my hat.

This post has been long overdue. I guess I needed time to gather my thoughts. Rather unusual for me because I usually spout whatever is on my mind and innate skill coupled with training should give me ample ability to voice out what or how I feel. I guess it's a little different when you're emotionally invested, but when you are, it also makes the words a little more special, I think.



So i've been dating ElfieJane for a month now. Reading back to my initial posts on this faux-emo account, it's almost unimaginable that one could come from the sort of banter(amuseme vs McRudy) we had to a full fledged relationship. I'm glad to say that our banter hasn't ceased, she's just resorted to racist remarks in person instead to which I reply with much wit and candour though she'll never admit that my intellect is for real and insists that I "spout random shit to make myself look smart" in order to awe my peers/friends.

The beginning.

As I mentioned, this all started with harassing each other on our respective blogs. I'm not sure how this eventually led to us holding hands as we stroll, but fate has a funny way of spinning the wheel. Oddly enough, despite being A MAN, it never was about the sex or scoring. Please please, let's leave the horniness aside. I'm fully aware of sexual desire and what it can do. No one will ever believe me, except a few close friends, but it was always more about something else which I still can't place a finger on.

I'll try.

Do you know what it feels like to be tugged on slowly by invisible thread into something that's ahead of you. When you get closer to what you're tied to, things get more tangible and you get more excited at the prospect, but at the same time it's very frail and your line unravels a bit at times. This release scares you but you still feel the pull continue, after the unexpected jerk. That's what it was like for me. Two steps forward, one back, or maybe half back, then two forward, one more, 3 back, maybe half forward, one back, then 3 forward. However. The more I knew her, after talking to and so on, the more the strings were pulled, until eventually they became taut and firm. Which makes them more stable but at the same time easier to snap. Anyhoo, the big proverbial ball of yarn rolled me right up to the end and I took the plunge. We all know that now.



I'm lucky, all her inner trappings that enamored me aside, in the sense that she is incredibly pretty to boot(when I say this she gets peeved because she takes it as me implying that she isn't as stunning as I think she is: most other men do too for that matter). But I always have said and always will say it's just a wee bit more special than that.

The start.

It was special when we held hands and didn't say anything to each other for what seemed like ages, and realistically that is quite long when all you're doing is holding hands in various ways. The first time she kissed me was that night, she kissed me on the forehead. It's still special now, i'm pleased to announce.

That night was probably when we signed this charter to see it through the end. It's amazing what two mature adults can get themselves into when emotions and more are involved.

Maybe it's maturity but i've really begun to look past the shallow usuals. I'm saying this with little snicker at my own ideals, because I thought that no matter what happened I knew that there was always going to be a chance that things might not work out at the end of 6 months and i'd be able to deal with that.

A month into this, I don't know anymore. How i'll feel at 6 months.

I know i'm happy now.

The thing is I just don't know how hard it'll be 5 months on.

I keep telling myself, no matter what happens, we'll always have these 6 months. But that's easier to bear when you're still living out the moments and etching in the memories.

It will get harder when you're turning the pages and looking back.

She means a lot to me la. No one has ever kept me this grounded. She knows i'm full of shit at times :)

As for the friends, the girlfriend mentioned this on her blog and i'll mention it here too. I miss you guys, I know you miss me too. But she leaves in 5 months, let her have me until then?

If you read this and it's past April the 15th, then she's already left me.

If you read this before, then we're still living our lives with each other, making due with what we can and what we have in our remaining days.

I knew at the start that even if she never came back, we'd always have 6 months. It's bittersweet that when she leaves it'll be a day short of just six months with her. Irony plays with me daily.

I think at the end of the day however fate may have spun it ever so awkwardly, 16-16 has been more memorable to me than one day of anything ever would have been.

Thanks for the letters.

coughing blood again

I feel limited in what I can do, in terms of time, ability, monetary, exhaustion. And when we all fall asleep and wake up. It's already passed. But the minutes trickle away until there's nothing left to work with.

What do you do then? Sit and ponder about what did or didn't happen, or make the most of what's left. I really don't know.

Things have FINALLY come to a crashing halt.

It's been a long intense ride that has slowly peaked, plummeted and then come to a stop. Finally allowing me to step off and wonder about the next big thrill.

Somehow, relief for me never lasts more than several moments before boredom sets in.

I know I needed some time off from everything, and it's been so long since i've been able to plan anything that didn't involve responsibility or work in some form or fashion.

Maybe i've forgotten how.


The girlfriend is super busy with assignments and the like. I miss doing stupid shit with her already.

Maybe it's just gravity bringing me down.

Can't explain it sometimes.

Just feel it.

Long weekend, spent a lot of time with the girlfriend.

Rescued her yesterday or the night before because she was alone at home and scared. Though she won't admit my valiant attempt at being chivalrous.

Essentially, I also wanted to see her despite being given a "get out of jail free card" to go gallavanting with the boys. I feel bad for disregarding my friends so much these days, but realistically I don't have much time to spend with her. To some people 5 1/2 months is a lifetime, but I think at this point everyday that goes by just feels more and more bittersweet.

It's going to be different soon.

I can't help but feel this wading into deep water has inadvertently become slightly more than the short dip we both imagined it might be.

I was thinking about something today.

Along the lines of,

I do as many stupid things as I can,

if only because you make mistakes doing them sometimes,

which you stumble over and learn from,

but i'd be lying if I didn't admit to having a a hell of a lot of fun doing whatever it is I do.

Most of the time.

Feel so narcoleptic.

Kept passing out and waking up to watch someone roll up a scroll, tie it in ribbon and double sided tape it to an envelope. Rinse repeat. I'd ask to help, get denied then fall asleep again.

Poor German spent hours and hours sorting envelopes for some random event.

Epitome of the overworked, underpaid intern, watching her wrap parchment in bed for something like three hours makes life in advertising seem somewhat less hectic.

In perspective, all we have to do is come up with something brilliant for a living.

Speaking of which, I have to come up with something brilliant in a little under two weeks -_-

In hindsight, everything's been piling on a bit too fast.

The goods are marred with uncertainty at every single step and it feels like I can't go through any moment of joy without questioning it a little while afters.

Everything appears to be infront of me, possibly one of the easiest jigsaw puzzles ever. But I can't make the pieces fit. Not a lot of pieces, but maybe it's because the picture on the box doesn't really make sense just yet.

I know i'm happy at times, so that's good. I still worry though. Bout a lot of things.

It was always going to happen.

It was never going to work.

Then it sort of was.

But now it is.

Confusing at times, the best highs, the lowest crevasses.

I think all that really counts is the way it's going now and how I feel.

Oddly enough, what's most important to me is how someone else feels.





edit::

This faux emo thing was fun while it lasted. I'm going back to rudyism.blogspot.com. It's no fun being emo when you're pretty fucking happy most of the time.

I'll still post here so the lj buddies can keep an eye though. Despite infiltrating the society ala Attenborough, I feel my heart is heavy set as strings begin to detach. Above it all, I guess I sort of owe this little community for what I have now.

Bye.

edit, the remix::

Ok-lah, i'll stick around a wee bit more.

For some reason, forces unknown to me, justified or not, seem to conspire against my every move. It's two steps forward, one step back.

At times like these, you can't help but feel some greater entity just wants to mess with you. Or maybe karma really does exist. I hate the past life ideology mind you.

They say that nothing can be really good unless something bad comes along with it. At this point it's all too familiar, that saying. I just wish the contrast from one end to the other wasn't so bloody blinding in disparity.

I know what I signed up for, and what may come for it is worth every little bump along the way.

That's what makes it all the more worth it, when you go through the times that make you feel nothing else matters. Still, feelings are feelings and as much as we like, they aren't switches you can flip on or off. Nothing is to blame, that's just the way it work sometimes.

So suck it up and hope for the best.

Time tells all, I just wish time didn't take so long.

At times it feels so stretched out.

Other times so rapid.

There's been so much catharsis, but just when you think you're at the home stretch you still find obstacles in the way.

I guess this point it's more about faith.

Which means giving in, and letting the big picture paint itself. I'm told, that's what faith is all about. Either way at this point, i'm a lot happier indulging in what I have been granted. So i'll refrain from worrying about this or that, because all it does is hold back from the even better.

Dropping the analysis. Leaving behind the mental notepad. Burying the books.

People wanna want to tear apart what they can't have.

But to be pretty fucking frank mon ami, it's not like i've got a whole lot to envy.

Not sure why people can't live and let live, how hard is it not to drag down another person with you with excuses that only apply to your pseudo-reality.

Blame us cos we are who we are. I can't be bothered with those that don't know better.

Ta.

L'spirit de escalaire talks to me on a daily basis.

She says the visits are becoming a bit too frequent, but I can't help it if it's her job.

Today I learned things that I would never know unless I spoke to a man from South Africa, Melbourne, New York and Singapore.

Many things.

Tap water from New York gave 2 million dollars to children so they could drink in impoverished nations.

People use technology more and more to convey and receive emotional messages and sensation.

Small things make due given what with and work wondrously, constraints are not as tangible as they seem.

And most of all, it's mainly about giving and developing a connection.

::edit::

The old formula of language+visual has been intruded on by context. I'm so fucking thankful for this. Spoke to Scott Witt who was behind the Tap Water UNICEF work, and it turns out a lack of focus is invaluable.

I think I doubt myself too much these days. It's good that there are things that have been happening that make me believe in myself a lot more. But sometimes you listen to people and all of a sudden your opinions change, just way too fucking easily.

I usually feel that things are in control, and even the random variables (e.g other people) can usually be explained. But I guess 4 years of dating women that make you doubt yourself can do wonders at wrecking your self esteem.

Being lied to when you know you're right, forcing yourself to believe in lying bitches, then finding out what you knew to be true all along really sucks.

Even today I notice that my guesses or how I feel, is usually the right way to go about things. No matter how complicated a person is, you can generally tell how shit is going down.

Unfortunately, i'm having to re-learn this and the vast interest that people take in my life is wearing a bit thin. I apppreciate the good natured sentiment, but I abhor the negative and without base assumptions that people seem to want to toss in there.

Seriously, i'm old enough and i've been fucked over enough times to know what's going on.

I'm also smart enough to know when I did something wrong. I punish myself enough without needing someone else to go on about it.

Don't help me unless I ask, you're all just fucking things up.

Yeah i'm being selfish and i'm sorry if i've pulled anyone into this. Don't take this seriously it's not directed at you, or you, or you. It's just people.

/wrist

It's nice when you pat me on my back when you see the tears rolling. But lets keep it to worrying about the outcome rather than the process shall we. I've gotten this far, hobbling or not, just let me finish the race on my own and i'll kiss you when i'm done.

Promise.

Whether or not there's a good ending.

Fin.